#14 Tonic

It’s fantastic what a night and your own subconscious can do to you. It’s just as fantastic how we can do nothing about it.

To get into today’s entry: I don’t personally sleep that much, as I prefer writing, reading or simply doing anything else over it. I am aware of how unhealthy that might be, but a night adds some hours to my free time. It it much, though, until I get so tired that I spend more than 10 hours asleep per night. This happened last night.

I had just finished watching something on Netflix when my body decided I am actually pretty exhausted and said “Yo, maybe you should rest for a bit“. So I set my alarm and closed my eyes, hoping that I would wake up energised.

Spoiler alert: I didn’t.

Out of all the moments when I could’ve questioned my decisions and make a huge mess of my decisions, I had this dream about him, again, last night. Now, if you’re familiar with my first entry about dreams (click here to check it out), you probably know what’s coming. However, this was a lot more intense.

To kind of summarise and help you relate without directly referring to any existing person, I’ll say this: Imagine yourself wandering around your favourite part of the city you’re living in with two people who haven’t been part of your life for a long time. Great. Now, imagine yourself seeing the solution or finding the answer to something that has been bothering you for a while. Awesome. Then, the person you love (it’s better and more accurate if they don’t give you any attention anymore in real life) pops up out of nowhere and asks you to meet them at a place. You can’t go to that place, so you end up somewhere that happens to be the magical location where you’ve created all your memories together.

Are you hurt yet?

You end up feeling that loved person’s warm breath against the back of your neck, their arms around you as you hear tiny, calm whispers. You can’t really understand them, but it’s fine. You don’t need to. You are satisfied by simply enjoying the moment which seems like such a perfect reality. I emphasised the word “reality” because it’s mystery how it succeeds to give such sensations.

You want to know what? It fucked me up.

It wasn’t supposed to. As I’ve mentioned, it was the best lucid dream I’ve ever had. The problem was that I woke up. I woke up to the real world, where none of it existed. Neither of the suspicions I had were solved, nothing that was troubling my soul had disappeared. They had, in my dream. I could’ve sworn that it was real and I wish I spent more time there, maybe I could’ve found some more interesting…replies. (insert a wink emoji here, please)

To improve everything I’ve written until now, I took a nap later on (by about two hours, don’t mind my sleep pattern) and had this dream -again- about him, where I simply texted him and he replied in the next second. I woke up immediately after.

At that point, it was pretty clear how much I unknowingly wanted to seek answers and I didn’t have the courage to do it. Although, there is absolutely no explanation on why I wouldn’t. It’s curious that all our fears and insecurities are our fault. I used to be told so when I was little, but I would only get offended and feel misunderstood. No, it’s normal. While it’s true that other people can perceive some of our bad parts, too, they don’t see everything that’s going on unsmoothly inside our heads.

Therefore, don’t worry.

I’ve been rewinding so many negative aspects I’ve been truly wanting to avoid that I need a drink right now.

Ugh, if only there was a way to live in the alternate universes we create. Think about it. You have this perfect dream and you are able to control it. How badass would it be to live there forever? First call, pretty badass. If you dig into it, not so badass. I’ve expressed my opinion before on why living a fluffy, pink life would be worse than going through rough patches. I keep arguing with myself. Of course I want to be happy forever, I’m just aware of how unhappy that would end up making me.

Wait, what?

THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DRINK.

I’m literally grasping my hair right now in confusion; I ended up writing a blog entry where the conclusion is practically messing with my brain. I mean, it’s pretty obvious what I wanted to say and we all understood that, but some sentences have started a sudden existential crisis I am not able to put into words.

What is the meaning we give ourselves if we know we can’t be happy? Like, if we become unhappy for being too happy what’s the point of being happy? Do we even give ourselves such a meaning or is it already given and we just live by it every day with the sensation that events occur randomly and how we choose to interact has no effect on how we will carry ourselves on later? Do people come and go from our lives because we choose to, because they choose to or because that’s how is it supposed to happen? What even is where we’re heading in our own future??!??!!!

I’m not asking so many questions to sound artistic, I was attempting to write down exactly what I was thinking and I’m not sure if it.

I’m…lost.

Ok, let’s wrap this up.

I am not going to ask you not to be affected by your dreams. In case I have before, ignore that. I’ve just learnt how complicated that can be. Instead, when you dream (and you remember it, obviously), write it down. Fill a diary of what your brain shows you in your sleep and after that, connect the dots. Find what truly is bothering you and solve it “irl” so you have even better lucid dreams.

Good luck.

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