You know those eyes you have probably seen at the corner shop, glaring at whatever and accidentally brushing a naïve look with yours. That can be a little too specific, I admit, and the details are not even accurate in my case.
I was just trying to show you how easily something life-changing can appear in your universe. They get impregnated and you fade into the moment you’re praying for them to leave. And it’s not even their fault, but the owner’s. The simplicity of a second can radiate into a bit so powerful it gets out of control. Let’s just be careful about that.
I strongly advise you against letting yourself be captive in their trap, as it’s difficult to get out. Trust me: I have been trying for the past…four months? And when I thought I finally got it, that I finally had nothing to do with them anymore, it hit me that I doesn’t work like that. You don’t just think of something else until what worries you disappears. Think of it like this: you have this amazing toaster. It’s absolutely perfect for your bread. It’s even see-through, so you can admire the process of having your bread toasted (my analogy is rather questionable at this point). Anyway, you break it, and you cannot afford a new toaster like the old one. But, God, you love having your bread toasted. Therefore, you purchase a cheaper version that works fine. You use it as much as you can and for a while…you’re happy. You still remember the old one you had, because you truly loved what it did to you.
That’s the effect blue eyes had on me.
I have them, myself, and I am certainly not aware of how many people I’ve put in this situation. If I did this to you, I am so sorry. It wasn’t my intention. I’m not going to lie, though, that I can be an asshole. And I’m proud of it.
I’ve once read that “Everything you love will one day kill you, whether it’s cigarettes, or drugs, or the boy with the blue eyes, they all kill you in the end.”. And, my Goodness was I dead for so long. Maybe, I still am. I haven’t quite figured it out, yet. What I am sure of is that, most of the time, the aftermath is purely the memories. Those hurt.
Those can’t be erased. You’ll never forget that one time you saw pain in those eyes, or when it was so dark, you were captivated by the way their voice took over, or simply when they smiled. The eyes, I mean. The person carrying them ended up being such a huge disappointment. That hurts, too.
If you have read my last post, you possibly remember something related to looking in the eyes of a child and seeing potential. Remember your blue eyes. What did you see in them? What made you so eager to love something you barely knew? What I saw was hope, as if whatever was inside was trying to get out. I saw determination, maturity, but, most importantly, I saw pain. Lots, lots of pain. And for some reason, I liked it. It was either what I felt, either the sense of importance I gave myself thinking I could fix any of it. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, since neither had worked out.
All I can say is that I was both delighted and weighted down by their presence. Do not fall for the blue eyes…if anything – rise.